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Dreamer

4 Apr

Maybe you’re right; Maybe I’m just a fool.

With a head full of Dreams and the heart of a tool!

Maybe you’re right; Maybe I’ll never get the Body of the Rock, In fact it is more similar to that of a Sock!

Maybe I’ll never get the Villa, in the luscious Italian Countryside.

And maybe i’ll never find the perfect girl, with the beautiful smile….

…but I will still keep dreaming, with my heart open wide.

For it is when we stop trying: that is when we fail…

…And I cannot think of nothing worse, then leading a life with mediocrity as your sail!

So laugh at me when I fall; take amusement in my plunders… 

For I will not stop dreaming, whilst my heart still thunders!

 

It could be said; that living in a world of dreams will only bring you inevitable pain…

..but what alternative do I have? Do I accept reality and go insane?

 

The Great Avoider

17 Mar

What is my life, If not an Avoidance?

I avoid risk in matters of work and love.

I hesitate to take that first, in fear of failing – and in doing so: I do not move!

I push those away through distance or fear of getting too close

To which I find those around me always slip away, no matter of past laurels or events.

I set myself goals, for which I never maintain…

…. and the Irony is: I am the first to complain!

 

Even this year; My final close friend is moving away to better his own prospects and seize his own goals.

Whilst I remain Still… Unhappy… and alone.

When it comes to work; I soldier on – with the smile on my face, that my friends and colleagues have come to know!

When Inside, all I feel and is Anger and Resentment for what I have become!

With a constant fear of change or the Unknown!

 

Upon reflection of my life so far; All I seem to have to show is this scar*

Some may say “the materials are there: the House, the TV, the Xbox and the Car!”.

But what do these possessions hold, but monetary value?

It still does not compare to the companionship of another!

Someone to hold onto and hold back.

Someone who is there there for the bad and the good.

Someone to talk to at the end of the day.

Someone to irritate you/them Someone to laugh with. Someone to cry with.

And Someone to share your life with…

 

Maybe this is why I play these video games; to find companions when there are none around.

Maybe I over-think things too much…

Maybe I have too much pride, and that’s what causes my anger!

Regardless, I am tool of my own destruction and by extension: The Great Avoider.

 

Every night I lie in my bed thinking: “What can I do to change my life?”

However, when opportunity arises: you do nothing but procrastinate and lounge, as you watch the day pass you by!

 

You say you are independent, and do not need those around you – but let’s face it: that’s a bare-faced fucking lie!

Maybe you need help from those around… Try and find one of these heroic role models people cry about!

Maybe you should find your faith… Ha! What a fucking laugh!

I have no faith; I believe when you are done: you are done…

… and all there is after is the stories and the legacy you leave behind!

 

I mean; If I were to die tomorrow: What story would I leave? Who would cry in my wake?

Other than common pleasantries – What would I have left? I have done nothing of worth in this world!

 

I was given the opportunity of a future, by going to University, but let it slip away as (surprise, surprise!) I didn’t try hard enough.

Of this I feel the greatest anger in myself; as I was given the opportunity held dearest by many but let it slip away – as I didn’t grip hard enough and by extension: I failed!

 

And yes I have a job (for which I am entirely grateful for) but there is not a day that that goes by for which I don’t think: “I could offer so much more…”

 

And all of this is deserved… for it is my Nature.

 

For I am nothing but The Great Avoider

Day 15 – Bloody sore limbs (18/01/13)

18 Jan

Okay yesterday’s idea of pushing to the limit did not help today.

I’m not going to bother with the sections on this one, as today was – again – another slow day.

Only thing worth noting is for the gym tomorrow; be careful with your right leg – it’s fucking tight!

Anyways, django tomorrow – so can’t wait!

Day 14 – Very productive…. for a change (16/01/13)

18 Jan

Career
Went to see old university lecturer today and got some really helpful advice in regards to my career path.

It seems the two main areas that I need to focus on are Linux Plus Certification and MSCA Qualification, which are both seemingly quite affordable and considered very desirable by employers.

Also, I’ve got a good idea of how to get access to programming books, from the uni 😉

Personal
Went to the pictures with brother today, to see some awful crap. Was a good laugh as always though

Physical
Was majorly pissed off from speaking with Microsoft today. So therefore to blowan  off steam: I pushed myself a little too far at gym. Got cramp in right leg and the arms weren’t far off! Managed to progress onto 10 kg per arm and got up to heaviest for benching, so quite happy for that.

Also, managed to stay on treadmill for 12:30 this time so was pleased with this

Summary
Brilliant day today, other than speaking Microsoft Support. Hopefully, I can start having more of these days

Day 13 – I’m forgetful (15/01/13)

17 Jan

I honestly can’t remember much about this day, other than going shopping and not being sore from gym.

Career
Nothing of note
Personal
Nothing of note
Physical
Rest day

Overall pointless post, but they can’t all be winners

Day 12 – Physical Day (14/01/13)

14 Jan

Career

– Got a reply email from old lecturer from Uni; meeting up later this week for some advice on how to get into a suitable IT role

Personal

– Chickened out again!

Physical

– Managed to go up to 8kg on dumbbells (100 reps – my technique is shit though)

– Didn’t do much on treadmill, as I got a stitch from my Tea. Only managed 7m 30secs this time, which is dissapointing

– Did usual on rowing (2000m) but added some periods of sprint in it this time.

– Did some heavier weights on Machine, for which I am sore and regretting it

– Went on bike and oddly enough my knees felt really weird and couldn’t get a momentum going :/

Summary

Good day, but may have went a bit silly in gym (we’ll find out tomorrow!).

Also, booked a doctor’s appointment for next week (for the afforementioned issue in the last post), so hopefully we can sort this out this year too!

Day 11 – Summary of Week 2 (13/01/13)

14 Jan

This week has been a very slow week in terms of progress in Career wise, as have not had the motivation to do these things I set out to do – which is worrying as this is only the second week.

Career

A very dissapointing week in this aspect. It seems I’ve been using work as an excuse to not do stuff and as a result I’ve procrastinated a lot.

Didn’t manage to get that C# program finished. Said I would do some java programming but that never fucking happened.

So overall, I’m starting to fall into old habits when it comes to doing stuff logically, or hard work – which is pissing me off. The most I’ve done this week is turn my hifi into a sound system for my pc, but other than that: basically blamed a lot of things, but overall done nothing.

Personal

Very happy with this week. Managed to make time for friends and family alike, so I hope to maintain this pattern. Can’t really set myself many goals in this aspect.

Little disappointed in myself that I haven’t asked this girl out yet, but will hopefully do so this week.

Also, later this day I posted on Facebook about an ailment that has been plagueing me for a while now, and I was very pleased to see that my friends are there for me. Sounds cliché and pathetic, but it felt nice 🙂

Physical

Very Happy with this aspect as managed to meet this personal target. 

When I went to gym, It was quite intense on both occasions and I hope to maintain it, as it feels amazing afterwards. Also helps you pound away the stress by pushing yourself that little bit extra

Goals for Week 3

Career

– Stop making excuses and do something this week.

– Structure your week like this: “Physical Day” then “Smart Day” until Sunday comes around and have fun! Harsh it seems, but you are being that dwindles too much on excuses!

Personal

No specific goals just keep making time for friends and family… Oh, and ask that girl out for crying out loud!

Physical

– 3 Physical days this week

– Build up weights gradually, don’t go stupid! Try for 10 Kg on Dumbbells by end of week – if not no biggy! You’ll get there

– More Cardio, aim for 15 mins on treadmill by this week.

– Keep going for lates at gym; Less people = More Equipment. Also, at its latest – where there are no people – grunting time!